How Can I Tell My Boyfriend Is an Abuser?

How Can I Tell My Boyfriend Is an Abuser?

The signs come off earlier before you may start dating. Many people fail to pay attention or disregard them. Some times they are so subtle you mightn’t tell there’s danger ahead. So, how can I tell my boyfriend is an abuser?

Number one: he demands for relationship so quickly. Number two: becomes intimidating whenever he gets upset. Number three: he speaks ill of women. Number four: he pretends around others. Number five: acts jealous over every move. Number six: disrespects his ex. Number seven: disrespects your family. Number eight: he is bias to others. Number nine: he does not accept blame. Number ten: he is overprotective. Number eleven: he loves to be in charge of your affairs.

24 Signs of Abusive Boyfriend

Recently, a man and a woman came to my mom to buy. After making purchase, the man paid, the woman not knowing the amount given to my mother, asked the supposed husband or boyfriend that they should leave.

Instead of the man explaining to the woman he was waiting for the change, he went ballistic!

“Do you want me to leave the change? Do you know how much is that?”

Then, he became cold and asked the woman to go by herself.

He sat a bit far but began throwing his hand all over both at my mom and his supposed wife or girlfriend as if he was going to hit them.

Then, he asked my mother to go get him the change.

This is an impatient man and uncouth. Already, I knew he was abusive, because he emotionally, verbally and almost physically abused the woman in public.

Later, I learned she was married to a man who physically abused her. It surely would be the man she came with.

If you have no idea what indicators to see in an abusive person; the above real-life story which is less than three (3) days, should give you an overview.

Let’s look at these points.

  1. He uses intimidation or threats to gain power or control over you
  2. Insisting on meeting you during any time of the day to ensure you are alone or where he wants you
  3. Plays mind game on you by blaming you for his actions
  4. Demands you accept his apology
  5. Reminds you of what he bought you
  6. Makes you feel unsafe around him
  7. Seizes your cell phone, scarf or bag to prevent you from leaving his house
  8. Insist to have sexual intercourse with you
  9. Forces you to have a type of sex with you or have sex in a position you feel uncomfortable
  10. Say negative things about people in your presence
  11. Is brutal to animals and birds
  12. Scares children or people he is older or stronger than
  13. Raises his voice at you often
  14. Apologizes often and does not hesitate to repeat same error
  15. Calls you by offensive names
  16. Capitalizes on your inabilities or mistakes
  17. Tells you how smart he is than you are
  18. Blocks the way to stop you from leaving the room
  19. Insists you spend more time on date
  20. Trying to exert muscle on you (grabs your wrist, shove you)
  21. Forces his favorite food on you
  22. Insist you accept his gift
  23. Tell you what to say to him
  24. Quick tempered

No matter how discreet any abuser may be from the onset, it is easy to notice if you pay close attention.

The obvious things abuser does which we already look at:

  • Treat others harshly – if your boyfriend is so covering and secretive about his real character, or does not plan becoming abusive in the relationship; one thing he will surely do, is to treat other people except you differently. He will be inhospitable to others. He will say bad things about others. With this, you will be next when he doesn’t find you special any longer.
  • Overprotective – an abusive boyfriend will always try to care for you more than himself. Ready to give his life for you. Wants to save you from all other people except himself.
  • Abusing in form of gift – abusive person who is well to do financially, buys gifts and expect you to accept them.
  • Forces food on you – when an abusive boyfriend is eating or buys food, he demands you eat with him.
  • Gets jealous – he hates seeing you talking to anyone or hates the thought of others admiring you.
  • Tells you he is different – try to persuade you to marry him because you are better-off with him than any other person. And reminds you he is better candidate than all your ex.
  • Talks recklessly – verbal abuse is on the way if your boyfriend talks to you or other people without a second thought. If he talks about your dress, hairstyle negatively in front of people and doesn’t find anything wrong with it, he is verbally abusing you.
  • Hits you – an abusive person or boyfriend will hit you consciously or unconsciously. At times it comes in form of joke but it hurts severely. No matter how many times you ask him to stop, he repeats it.
  • Is quick tampered – any quick-tempered person is likely to become abusive when they don’t find you special anymore.

What Is Intimate Partner Violence?

According to UN, intimate partner violence, known as domestic abuse or domestic violence, is a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Types of Abuse in Intimate Relationship

  • Physical – becoming physically aggressive. Throwing things at the wall, punching whole in the wall when infuriated, pinching you, hitting or slapping you, hitting you with all kinds of objects
  • Sexual assaults – forcing himself on you. Insisting on sexual positions, demanding for sex longer than you feel, having sex where and when you are uncomfortable.
  • Emotional – calling you nicknames, joking with your intelligence, disrespecting your family members and friends, belittling you, becoming possessive, prevents you from being employed or starting a business, denies you sex, speaks harshly to you both public and in private.
  • Economic – preventing you from pursuing a career, preventing you from upgrading your certificate, taking control of your salary or business, denying you access to his money, measuring amount of corn flour to prepare food or counting number of fishes to use for soup etc.
  • Psychological – causing or threatening to physically abuse you, harm your children, family, inflict pain on himself, isolating you from family and friends or coworkers. Breaking car, computer, mirror or playing on your intelligence, taking charge of your finance.

How to Know You Are in Abusive Relationship

  • Acting gentle than you can around your partner not to spike anger or any form of conflict
  • Feeling scared around your partner
  • Jolting in his presence or at a thought of him
  • Feeling secure away from him
  • Maintaining the relationship to escape his threats
  • Having an impression you can do better to save the relationship because you are the problem
  • Doing everything to please your partner but he always finds fault
  • Does not appreciate your effort and blame you for everything
  • Demands you accept his apology without giving you time to heal or born of your own will
  • Insists you fellowship in same religious denomination
  • Drives recklessly when upset
  • Ask you to walk home alone when he is angry
  • Wants to know everyone you speak with on the phone
  • Want to know who you were with at the coffee shop or boutique
  • Drops you off the car to walk home over argument
  • Hiring spies to monitor your movement

Who Can Be Affected by Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence?

  • People from all race
  • Intimate partner abuse occurs to anyone with any religious background
  • People of any age
  • Domestic violence can be inflicted on any gender
  • People of any social class i.e. rich, poor, government officials, teachers, religious leaders, celebrities
  • It affects married couples
  • Domestic abuse happens among those that cohabitate
  • Domestic abuse can occur among people dating
  • It affects people of all education backgrounds

Types of Emotional Abuse

  • Igniting fear – causing fear through threats and intimidation
  • Rejection – neglecting you, trashing your ideas, and playing dumb your opinions and views
  • Finance – having full or partial control over your financial life without your approval. Stopping you from work, education and learning any form of trade
  • Bullying – constant intimidation both in public places or at home. Demanding more from you than you can offer
  • Isolation – curtailing freedom of movement. Threating or abusing you when friends or families visit you. Preventing your children and workmates from visiting or talking to you. Absolutely cutting your socialization off.
  • Verbal – verbal form of abuse come by name calling, mocking, insulting, bringing back your past, screaming on you, and jokingly saying things to intimidate you


  • No one actually plans becoming an abuser; it may start as a result of the following:
  1. Psychological effect
  2. Feeling insecure
  3. Personal history i.e., family or past relationship record
  4. Yearning to have control
  5. Infatuation
  • Exhibiting these do not necessarily makes a person abusive except he physically intimidates you.
  • Even though I referred to men typically in the whole of the article, it does not mean females do not inflict these on males. Although physical abuse may not be prevalent against men.
  • When you notice or suspect any of the above indications, quickly draw your boundary and make sure your partner respects it.
  • Exit any abusive relationship before it escalates.
  • Some women believe staying another day, then another and another, they can change their partner. Attitudinal change is actually not common.
  • Give them space as a sign that you are not pleased with how you are treated.
  • Seek professional advice as to what to do.
  • Inform your pastor for advice.
  • Contact the right office that deals with domestic violence.

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