Uncle Ebo Whyte a retired relationship counselor during his period of active counseling service noticed there were signs that couples disregarded that would have saved them had they paid attention. Are you disregarding these 20 red flags with the hope time will normalize things?
Relationship is investment. Unsuccessful relationship can become disheartening. To save yourself the pain, here are 20 red flags Uncle Ebo Whyte spelled out in many years’ experience as a relationship counselor.
1. Your partner thinks you are perfect
Whiles many people disregard this, it creates danger as the relationship grows, Uncle Ebo noted. At initial stages of a relationship, people fall in love with who they have created in their minds rather than the real person.
We build our own imaginary figure out of our partner which at the end, our partner fails to live up to because he or she is not what we envisaged.
For example, we say our partner is generous, he or she does not get upset, he is gentle, he cannot cheat (ah he dares not cheat on me), after building all this comfortable perfect person in our consciousness, then the least expected happens.
Unfortunately, we turn to fight our partner because we feel deceived and fooled. Meanwhile, it was our own imagination that failed us. Whenever you start a relationship and your partner parades you as a perfect person start working on their perception before it’s too late.
2. Your partner thinks he or she is perfect
Your partner thinks she is flawless. They go on to tell you what they’ll never do. “I’ll never cheat”, “I will not be moved by money” etc.
If your partner is such a type, he or she is simply a bullet dodger. This is a person who shifts blame because they think they are perfect to make mistakes.
3. Lack of attention
Your partner has attention for all other things except spending time with you. He or she is only making time for things that are valuable to them. And you are definitely not one of those things worth their time.
4. Dealing with anger problem
When your partner fails to recognize their limit when provoked to anger, there is abuse in the future. If your partner cannot control his or her anger even at the early stage of your relationship, when you become familiar, he can raise his hand on you or she can talk to you without respect.
The other thing to notice is how your partner relates with others. Perhaps he or she is taming his anger around you but attacks those that are not on his special list; that is a red flag.
5. Abusive partner
When your partner is quick at raising his or her hand on you or verbally abuse you either in public place or in your alone time or she is quick to make you feel emotionally inadequate, proceeding with such a person is at your own risk.
6. Sudden changes in behavior
Your partner changes his or her routine. Everyone invents new lifestyle when trying to woo someone. It is usual to bath 3 times a day or more.
Apply perfume which you may usually not do. Brush your teeth 5 times a day. My younger brother baths many times a day but not when he is going to farm.
His girlfriend paid him visit one day, before my brother went to farm, he woke up early to bath and I was so shocked how females can turn your life around.
The issue here is, when your crush becomes yours, things quite switch back to normal. This mostly applies to married couples as they are always together.
When your spouse starts to do something different from his or her regular lifestyle, like taking his bath more than regular, applying perfume frequently, staying at work late, staying on phone for hours, your relationship may be hijacked by someone else.
Another behavior pattern Ebo talked about is, your partner suddenly becoming nice to you. Guilt may cause people to act in a certain way, at times with the aim of covering their paths.
Ask questions when you notice any sudden change in your partner. Don’t present your question in anger or become disrespectful. Be clever with your questions.
7. Unhealthy relationship with immediate family
When you come into a person’s life, and he or she has unhealthy relationship with his parents and siblings; that’s enough to be a smoking gun.
It is not enough to find reasons to support the act. While you don’t want to become a mediator because you don’t understand the source of the misunderstanding; you neither don’t want to take sides.
If she is not good with the family, how do you fit in? Other sensitive matter is the family may begin to blame you for his behavior even though there has been an outstanding issue. Because when there is a problem, people look for whom to blame.
8. Speaking ill of ex
Be prepared to be the next victim if things don’t work well. Whenever your partner enjoys cracking down on his or her ex, be aware that this will be your fate should things go awry between you.
Also, note that you don’t need to break up before you begin to experience his abusive treatment. Any time you are both not on the same page, it is likely you will face what his or her ex suffers.
During initial stage in relationship where it is we against the world, nothing matters except love. We can fight our parents, runaway from home just to love and sacrifice any other thing.
Religion is a key thing in everybody’s life. And your religion defines you more than you do notice. This is because most of the times; the religion we were raised with is the one we belong to.
Should you choose your own religion, it is because you are fully convinced. When you fall in love with a person from different religious background; they believe love will surpass it.
You can go to your place of worship while I do my own thing as well. Then, children begin to form part of the family. And priorities begin to change. We start paying attention to things that never bothered us.
Issues of identity sets in, how you’d like your kids to be raised, the faith they should grow in, and what they should do. Some people think religion is all about the dos and don’ts. The ten commandments, which is likely to be same throughout all religion. It is beyond that.
You only notice that when the problems start. But it doesn’t mean you cannot deal with it. But you need to pay attention because it can’t hurt your relationship.
10. Personal hygiene
As mentioned in how to make a girl admire you, bad personal hygiene will scare others away. If you are single and failed to attend to personal hygiene; as soon as you decide looking for a partner, put hygiene on your priority list.
Those with superman complex, be careful how you are quick to change people. It is hard to give up an attitude.
Experts say it takes 21 days to form a behavior.
Steven Stosny, Ph.D. who discovered an approach for changing emotional habit says clients had to repeat the action (his method) several times a day for about six weeks to develop a conditioned response.
It takes commitment on the side of the person you are changing to have any effect. It all boils down to willingness. Is he or she willing to repeat the action for several times for about six weeks?
11. Partner lying about insignificant things
You don’t expert people to be perfect. But he who finds a lying partner finds no partner. You cannot trust someone who can’t be honest about anything for whatever reason it may be.
12. Disrespectful to opposite sex
If she doesn’t like men, there’s no need hanging with you. You will definitely not change her. It is true he or she may have had bad experience with the opposite sex but if he or she wants to date; she must be willing to move on.
Exceptions may be made for you today because you are special, tomorrow you will lose that value and be place in same box.
If you are engaged with a guy who does not hesitate to flirt with other women in your presence, your relationship is in danger.
14. Unforgiving partner
Holding grudges is a red flag. Either seat your partner down and talk about it now or it becomes a challenge you face later in the relationship.
When two people are together, there will be misunderstandings. It is normal to see couples argue.
But harboring resentment against others for long will destroy your relationship.
15. Mobile phone privacy
It is clear that couples set boundaries. We all need space in our relationship. But when it is overdone, then something must be wrong.
My dad receive calls a lot. At times in the bathhouse, we passed him his phone. And that’s ok, as long as the phone isn’t kept private or he doesn’t behave strange with his phone.
He’s phone doesn’t have password, and left anywhere at all. But when your partner becomes keen at keeping their phone everywhere they go and gets angry at your least exposure, it may be a sign he is hiding something.
16. Insecure and jealous
At the onset, this looks sweet and sexy. Few months down the line you notice the motive behind is beyond love. It is actually possessiveness. Obsession can lead to manipulation, introducing abuse.
17. Lack of respect for oneself
People that don’t mind what they say to others, how they dress in public, things they do in the presence of other people will surely be disrespectful to you. It is easy to transfer how you feel about yourself onto others.
18. Your partner has no one to hold him to account
When your partner is above everyone else, he is beyond rebuke and correction; then it is possible he will do anything to you thinking he can get away with it because he does not regard anybody.
19. Eager for marriage
Be careful when you meet a person who won’t give you space to make decision concerning marrying him or her.
There may be a skeleton in his closet. And he wants things faster before you get to know what is at stake.
Most of the times, those kinds of men are already married or such a woman may be facing challenges giving birth.
20. Early sex
Men usually get over girls after sleeping with them. The problem with early sex in relationship is that, before the man gets the chance to know you beyond your attractive body, he is already put off because he got what he wanted.
These signs may not always lead to unresolved situations in a relationship. No relationship is perfect. there will always be challenges in our homes.
There will be times we will have different opinion regarding matters involving us. The best thing is to find a common ground.
- Should you feel unsafe around your partner for any reason, you can see a relationship coach for advice or move on. Remember, relationship is investment.
- If it doesn’t seem to be working, find someone else before you spend your entire life with the person you cannot marry. Don’t miss out on questions to ask before marriage, they will help you understand your partner.
- Do not assume you know your partner
- There is no right person
- There is no perfect relationship
- If it is not working out, leave before it’s too late