Of course, women are complicated. And even the greatest researchers and scientists will attest to it. If Hawking, Freud, and Ferrell, two of the greatest scientists and one of the funniest comics of our time, can’t understand women, what hope is there for the average guy? (Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Julie Gottman)
Let’s start with looks no longer matter, I’m going security, communication, loyalty, honesty, fun, adventure, peace, and safety. I want affection, care, protection, understanding, tolerance, down to earth, and a truthful guy.
I do not act as one who has answers to what women want. These are points lifted exactly from chats with some female friends.
Though the number may not be enough for research purposes, it aligns with what researchers say.
1. What women want in a man is trustworthiness
“What is the number one thing that women are looking for in a man? Six-pack abs? Six-figure bank account? A tall, handsome man riding a white horse?
No, no, and no. The number one thing women look for is simply this: trustworthiness.” (The man’s guide to women)
As perplexed as you are about the woman universe; I am no exception.
In 2021, I decided to make things easier for myself by taking this question to my WhatsApp chatroom to find out from female friends what actually will make me a potential mate for any of them.
With a little number of contacts on my phone and women forming a lower number; about 20 of them provided the same answers to my question: what does a woman want in a man?
Just as Gottman and his crew wrote in “The Man’s Guide to Women,” my dear friends want a trustworthy man.
“Trustworthiness isn’t just about whether or not you are a player or, if you’re in a long-term relationship, whether or not you’ve ever been unfaithful.
Although those things are fundamental and important to trustworthiness, they are not enough,” says Gottman.
According to Dr. Gottman, trustworthiness in dating and mating is being who you say you are and doing what you say you are going to do.
To be trustworthy and come clean for a woman to keep her eyes on you, be reliable and accountable.
2. A woman wants a man who Communicates
“Long-term romantic committed relationships are rooted in deep friendship.
Being friends with your partner is the foundation that supports your ability to make good repairs, have great sex, and stay in a positive perspective,” says Gottman.
Dr. John Gottman, the researcher who is known for being able to predict with 94 percent accuracy whether a couple will get divorced says friendship is essential to love.
Going on, he teaches that, to achieve this, you should try new activities together with your partner, ask open-ended questions, and listen to each other’s stories.
Now, I bet you understand why your woman always wants to keep you on the phone or create a space to communicate with you.
You cannot make your partner your friend without communication and women do not only want to be that special lady in your life.
She wants to be your friend, the one you communicate everything about work, family, friends, finance, bad days, and happy moments too.
If you can do just that, you have her in your arms and you in her heart.
When you have effective communication, you can build a strong friendship, then, “you and your partner are like your own team.
You’ve got each other’s backs. And your friendship has the power to make your love last a lifetime.”
3. What a woman wants in a guy is affection
Affection is showing concern, demonstrating care, and willingness to express love through various means to protect, approve and make others feel secure.
A woman wants a man who will show her affection. Because your affection reemphasizes your care and concern.
It strengthens her sense of protection and it also reaffirms her trust in the relationship no matter how long you’ve been together.
4. Safety – she wants to know if you are safe to be with
“When fathers are not involved with their kids, there’s a five times greater likelihood that the kids will live in poverty, a three times greater likelihood that they’ll fail in school, and a two times greater likelihood that they will have emotional and behavioral problems, use drugs, get involved in crime, or commit suicide.” (Statistics on the Father Absence Crisis in America)
A woman’s safety and well-being as well as that of her children, have been dependent on her partner’s trustworthiness, since history, says Gottman.
Whether it’s a nightstand or a long-term relationship, it is natural for a woman to seek a man whom she will feel safe with.
This has long been hardwired into their DNA. She wants to know if you are responsible, if will you stay or run when unwanted pregnancy shows, can she rely on you.
5. She is looking for tolerance in a man
How well do you give room for people to be themselves?
According to the chat I had with my female friends, women want a man who is patient and easy to handle. A woman wants a tough man to protect her but a lenient man to reason with.
She wants that alpha man during stormy season, and a beta man at fun times, when she wants to have her way, a man who pampers when she doesn’t feel like taking her meds.
How you respond to a situation, your temperament, and how you reply to your partner and speak to them may be a deal-maker or deal-breaker in the relationship.
6. Women want adventurous men
Speaking of which, go read my adventurous kissing tips for your weekend for full romantic fun in your relationship.
There’s that part of women that yearns for adventure. That inquisitive part. Acting scary but peeping to have full detail.
A woman wants a man that can safeguard her body and heart. Being adventurous can be a sign of bravery. For the fun type, it means you are someone who may love fun.
Every woman is unique, find out how she wants to roll. It is the best way to have a fulfilling relationship.
7. Fun – a man who keeps the fun alive
Boring, drab, lifeless, stale, dull, tedious. These are probably not the words you hope to use to describe your relationships (Naomi Brower, MFHD, CFLE, Utah State University Extension).
Playing together increases bonding, communication, conflict resolution, and relationship satisfaction (The Importance of Play in Couple Relationships).
No woman wants to date an old boring, tired, sad dude. So, learn how to make yourself lively if you intend to bring a woman into your life.
The fun comes in many different ways. It could be creating light jokes in the corner of the classroom. Or getting busy with indoor or outdoor games. It could be planning an exciting activity for a road trip.
Every woman is different. What your ex calls fun isn’t what your new girlfriend may regard as fun. Find out what entertains her and what makes her enjoy occasions and daily activities.
How to Create Fun in Your Relationship
“Having fun together can help couples feel positive emotions, which can increase relationship satisfaction, help couples to unite in order to overcome differences, and give hope when working through difficult challenges.”
- Schedule some fun
- Get active
- Give yourself permission to be a kid again
- Be open to trying new things
- Protect fun from conflict and resentment
Source: Utah State University Extension.
8. She is looking for protection from a man
A man is a protector. She is counting on you for your protection and if you can provide that, she is happy.
“There is a reason that women think that firefighters are hot. (And it’s not the mustaches.) They are a symbol of all of these qualities. Firefighters are Heroes. You can be, too.” Dr. Gottman.
What are the qualities? “you are safe to be around, you are dependable, you will be there for her and you are trustworthy.”
9. She wants a man who is understanding
“No matter what she is saying, the goal is understanding. And how you get to understanding is by asking questions.
If the woman in your life is complaining about her best friend, don’t offer a solution, don’t try to distract her, don’t think of how you can “fix” the problem, don’t make jokes, and don’t minimize the problem.
Ask questions about what she is feeling and what it all means to her.” John Gottman, Ph.D.
Here it is, understanding is an important factor in a relationship. It is good to communicate, but what good is communication if it never resolves conflicts because no one is ready to understand?
Whether she is complaining about her mother, frustrated with her boss, or pissed off at you—let understanding be your goal, Gottman suggests.
10. Honesty – do what you say you will do
Integrity is doing what you say you will do, says Nate Bagley, a relationship researcher.
During the early stages of a relationship when we come under the power of hormonal influence and we are drunk in love, we make promises, and we are deeply committed, understanding, and faithful.
Then, that falling-in-love phase passes on with time, and we are faced with the realities of being together, then, we begin to slack.
As said by Nate, most relationships suffer because of a lack of integrity. After making a commitment to ourselves and others, we go ahead to break them, then make excuses to avoid taking responsibility.
To have a successful relationship, you must be honest. Be true to yourself and your partner. And that is honesty.
She wants to know if she will stay on your mind after the vows. Will you keep to the promises after getting a new job, having children, buying a new house, etc?
11. She is looking for Peace and a sound mind
“It’s better to be lonely and at peace than to have someone and still feel lonely and things be chaotic.” Patrice Robertson.
She wants a man that will give her peace of mind. Not being abusive, chasing coworkers, and always tormenting her.
12. She wants a caring man
Women want a caring man. The man that will give them attention, calls them to find out what they are up to and what they are battling.
It is not enough to say you are caring, you must show it through your actions. One way to show you are caring is by paying attention.
13. Loyalty – she is looking for a guy to cherish her
“Loyalty is about nurturing gratitude for what you have,” says Dr. Gottman.
Make a conscious decision to minimize your partner’s negative qualities and maximize the positive qualities. You must learn to cherish your partner.
14. A woman is looking for down to earth guy
The men who were able to “downregulate” their anger (in other words, calm themselves down and not overreact), were the men with great relationships, says Gottman.
She wants you to be respectful, modest, and authentic. A woman wants a protector but a humble man. Not proud and arrogant.
Every woman is different, it is your job to ask questions and stop assuming you know your partner in/out. Ask open-ended questions to better understand your partner.
Remember that friendship is essential to love. So make your partner your friend. “Building a powerful and loving union takes more than being warm and fuzzy.” Louis Morris.